Chaos
On Wednesday I arrived.
Thursday May 3rd, got up in the morning feeling refreshed. My uncle was going to drive me to my grandmother's. It's a long weekend in Poland because of all the holidays - and technically this weekend has turned into a whole week without any work.
Before we arrive in Kielce, my uncle says that we are going to visit his father (which is also my mother's father so technically my grandfather in the hospital). My other uncle (mother's other brother) was going to meet us at the hospital.
On our way there I asked questions: Why is he here? Is it cancer? (He smoked all his life). I only got simple answers. He's not well. He's been here since Sunday. We don't think so.
We arrived during dinner hour. Both uncles and their children and myself, we went to see him. He was strapped into his bed because he declared he needs to go home and doesn't need the respirator helping him breath.
I was shocked. I was terrified. I wanted to cry. My little cousin was there and I held onto her. I didn't know whether I was holding her for her support or holding her for my very own.
I told her to squeeze my hand when she wants to leave. We did leave earlier.
My grandfather recognized me. He pointed at me, smiled and said Anna.
That night I talked to my mother. I was hysterical. I couldn't understand how people here don't talk about emotions. How they could let their little children see people like that without any warning. My mom was booking a flight to come out to see her father.
That night at 10 p.m. he died and I think it's my fault. That smile. Something was wrong. And my mom didn't get to see her dad before he died because of me. It feels like he saw me and thought it was my mom and therefore it was all complete.
The next few days were a blur. Funeral arrangements. My mom arrived on Sunday night after having to wait 10 hours in Amsterdam and 4 hours in Toronto for a flight.
The funeral was on Tuesday and I had a huge breakdown. Second one in the few days before the funeral.
I cried and cried. I didn't expect this to happen. I wanted to relax and not worry and yet things weren't going to work like that. Why did this happen?
I went to the funeral home to see the open casket but when my mom wanted to touch him, I had to walk out. I froze in the doorway and his hands are still haunting me.
After the funeral, the whole family assembled at my grandmother's for dinner. Funny how this event brought everyone together.
That night I fell asleep and slept 14 hours. I feel refreshed and a lot more calm.
Wednesday: I'm at my uncle's. Going to try to do some work. Have access to the internet for two days. I'm happy about that.
Keep me posted everyone.
Thursday May 3rd, got up in the morning feeling refreshed. My uncle was going to drive me to my grandmother's. It's a long weekend in Poland because of all the holidays - and technically this weekend has turned into a whole week without any work.
Before we arrive in Kielce, my uncle says that we are going to visit his father (which is also my mother's father so technically my grandfather in the hospital). My other uncle (mother's other brother) was going to meet us at the hospital.
On our way there I asked questions: Why is he here? Is it cancer? (He smoked all his life). I only got simple answers. He's not well. He's been here since Sunday. We don't think so.
We arrived during dinner hour. Both uncles and their children and myself, we went to see him. He was strapped into his bed because he declared he needs to go home and doesn't need the respirator helping him breath.
I was shocked. I was terrified. I wanted to cry. My little cousin was there and I held onto her. I didn't know whether I was holding her for her support or holding her for my very own.
I told her to squeeze my hand when she wants to leave. We did leave earlier.
My grandfather recognized me. He pointed at me, smiled and said Anna.
That night I talked to my mother. I was hysterical. I couldn't understand how people here don't talk about emotions. How they could let their little children see people like that without any warning. My mom was booking a flight to come out to see her father.
That night at 10 p.m. he died and I think it's my fault. That smile. Something was wrong. And my mom didn't get to see her dad before he died because of me. It feels like he saw me and thought it was my mom and therefore it was all complete.
The next few days were a blur. Funeral arrangements. My mom arrived on Sunday night after having to wait 10 hours in Amsterdam and 4 hours in Toronto for a flight.
The funeral was on Tuesday and I had a huge breakdown. Second one in the few days before the funeral.
I cried and cried. I didn't expect this to happen. I wanted to relax and not worry and yet things weren't going to work like that. Why did this happen?
I went to the funeral home to see the open casket but when my mom wanted to touch him, I had to walk out. I froze in the doorway and his hands are still haunting me.
After the funeral, the whole family assembled at my grandmother's for dinner. Funny how this event brought everyone together.
That night I fell asleep and slept 14 hours. I feel refreshed and a lot more calm.
Wednesday: I'm at my uncle's. Going to try to do some work. Have access to the internet for two days. I'm happy about that.
Keep me posted everyone.
posted by Anna Kat at 8:26 AM
1 Comments:
Don't feel bad. It's not your fault at all that it happened that way. I don't think people have that much mental power over the end of their life, heh. Well, you might at an earlier point have more control, when there's still a chance of recovery, but... Don't blame yourself. Be happy that your last moment with him was a happy one for him.
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